THE GERMAN LESSON

William Fowkes, Playwright & Author

	EXCERPTS *Full-Length Play* *The German Lesson* A Comedy of Manners in Two Acts by William Fowkes. *Why worry when life is spectacular?* Runner-up for the 2008 Robert J. Pickering Award for Playwrighting Excellence, Coldwater, Michigan **A Reading of The German Lesson was presented at the Dramatists Guild, April 18.** Click here for more information.
	DESCRIPTION: Trevor Hudson is a PR man with a special talent for putting the best face on things. Now his life is spinning out of control, but his German lesson is part of a plan to free him from his past. SCENE 1 *The Scene:* A Saturday afternoon, February 2003. The Hudson living room in New Rochelle, NY. Trevor Hudson is practicing German with the help of a German lesson CD.
	VOICEOVER Ist das ein grosses Haus? [Translation: Is that a big house?] TREVOR HUDSON (Trying to imitate the CD while walking around and straightening things up) Ist das ein grosses Haus? VOICEOVER Ja, das ist ein grosses Haus. [Translation: Yes that is a big house.] TREVOR Ja, das ist ein grosser Haus—no, I mean grosses—ein grosses Haus. (Joking) The house is SO gross! VOICEOVER Berlin ist grösser als München. [Translation: Berlin is bigger than Munich.] TREVOR Berlin ist grösser als München. VOICEOVER Aber Berlin ist nicht so gross wie New York. [Translation: But Berlin isn’t as big as New York.] TREVOR Aber Berlin ist nicht so gross wie New York. Nein—New York ist grösser als Berlin—God, I’m getting good at this! (Doorbell rings.) VOICEOVER Der Volkswagen ist nicht sehr schnell. [Translation: The Volkswagen doesn’t go very fast.] TREVOR Der Volkswagen ist nicht sehr schnell. (Doorbell rings again.) Ich komme! I’m coming! VOICEOVER Aber der Mercedes ist schneller. [Translation: But the Mercedes goes faster.] TREVOR (Opening the door) Der Mercedes ist schneller! (Acknowledging his visitor) Wilkommen zu mein Haus. Or is it auf mein Haus? Or meines Hauses? (Beat) Oh, just come in, Jerry! JERRY HOBART (Hesitating before entering) Do I have the wrong house? I thought the Hudsons only spoke English. TREVOR They used to. Now they’re becoming polyglots—or at least I am. JERRY (Entering) Poly-whats? VOICEOVER Heinrich verkauft eine Katze. [Translation: Heinrich is buying a cat.] TREVOR (Struggling) Heinrich verkauft eine Katze. God, that’s a hard one! JERRY Are you going to make me join the Nazi party? Because I don’t do parties—especially not the Nazi party. VOICEOVER Geben ist besser als Nehmen. [Translation: Giving is better than receiving.] JERRY What are you doing, anyway? TREVOR I’m practicing my German JERRY I didn’t know you had a German. A German what? TREVOR (Turns off the machine) German. Deutsch. The language of Goethe, Hegel, and Brecht.
	JERRY Was that a Nazi law firm? TREVOR Could you please spare me the Nazi jokes? JERRY Spare you the Nazi jokes? I’d have nothing left in my repertoire. (Beat) I’d be mute. TREVOR There’s more to German—there’s more to Germany than the Nazis.
	JERRY Well don’t tell my grandparents that—they spent time at Dachau, you know. TREVOR (Suddenly serious) Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. You never mentioned it before. JERRY Yeah—they took that Biscotti Bus Tour of Germany and Eastern Europe a few years before they died. Dachau was one of the sites on the itinerary. TREVOR Very funny. JERRY No, seriously—they took pictures. Some great shots. TREVOR Okay—why did you stop by? I’m kind of busy here. JERRY I’m your best friend. I don’t need a reason. TREVOR You don’t—but I really need to get back to my German lessons. JERRY (Sits) I won’t disturb you. I’ll just sit here. Don’t mind me. TREVOR Is Kate’s mother staying with you again? Is that what this is all about—hiding out from the in-laws? JERRY No, nothing like that. Where’s Elizabeth, speaking of wives? TREVOR Visiting her folks. JERRY Again? She was there the last time I stopped by. TREVOR Her Dad’s still ill. Anyway, I enjoy the reprieve. Helps me focus on my German. JERRY There you go with your German again! Your German what? (Beat) Shepherd? Measles? (Beat) Potato salad? TREVOR Bad jokes don’t get any better with repetition. JERRY Seriously—how is Beth? I haven’t seen her in ages. TREVOR She’s fine. Spectacular as always. JERRY Is she doing this German thing, too? TREVOR No, just me. JERRY And Caroline? TREVOR She hates her French as it is. I’d never get her to study German, too. JERRY No, I mean how is she? How’s she getting on at Brown? TREVOR She’s fine. Studying away. Going to football and basketball games. Annoying her roommates. All those college things. JERRY I haven’t seen HER in ages either. TREVOR You know how college kids are—you only see them when they run out of money. (Jerry bursts out crying.) Why should that upset you? She’s MY daughter. It’s MY money—and I’m fine. JERRY I’m sorry. I’ve been doing this a lot lately. Comes on unexpectedly. For no reason, I just start crying. TREVOR There was something about this in Scientific American recently. It’s just part of aging.
	JERRY Since when do you read Scientific American? TREVOR I don’t. The author of the article appeared on The Today Show. JERRY What article? TREVOR He said there’s some enzyme in men’s brains that controls emotions—that’s why real men don’t cry. Women don’t have the enzyme at all. But it starts to dry up as we age—and then, suddenly, we start to cry. JERRY You’re making that up! TREVOR (Harshly) I don’t make things up! (Softer) Sorry. JERRY (Starts crying again) So that’s what you think’s happening to me?
	TREVOR Just a hypothesis. JERRY But YOU don’t cry. TREVOR I’m younger than you. JERRY TWO years younger. TREVOR Maybe I have better genes. (Beat) Maybe I have nothing to cry about. JERRY I don’t have anything to cry about. TREVOR Ergo my hypothesis. (Pause) Also, was machen wir hier? JERRY What? TREVOR So, what are we doing here? JERRY I’m crying and you’re practicing your German. (Beat) Just your typical Saturday afternoon in New Rochelle. TREVOR And I’m thoroughly enjoying it, but we might each do a better job of it in private, don’t you think? JERRY (Pause) I lied. TREVOR About what? (Beat) Your parents never took a Biscotti Bus Tour? JERRY I said I have nothing to cry about. TREVOR So you DO have something? JERRY Yes. TREVOR Good—mystery solved! Now you can go home and I’ll get back to… JERRY Don’t you want to know what I’m crying about?! TREVOR Of course not—that’s your personal business. JERRY But I want to tell you. TREVOR (Softening) Of course you can tell me. JERRY It’s Kate. (Beat) She’s leaving me. TREVOR What? (Beat) When?
	JERRY I don’t know when. (Beat) She doesn’t know I know. TREVOR Then how do you know? JERRY Okay, I don’t know she’s leaving me. I just know she’s having an affair. TREVOR Oh, is that all? JERRY Is that all?! TREVOR Everyone has affairs. JERRY Do YOU have affairs? TREVOR No. JERRY Well, I don’t either. TREVOR So maybe we just prove the rule. JERRY How can you make jokes?
	TREVOR I didn’t think that was a joke. JERRY Don’t you understand? I could lose her forever! TREVOR Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. (Beat) How do you know she’s having…? JERRY She forgot to log off her email last night. (Beat) I saw some instant messages. Some very hot ones from someone named GreenwichHunk. TREVOR People lie on line. (Beat) It might just be a 13-year old girl. JERRY Are you saying my wife’s a lesbian? TREVOR If the girl’s 13, I think that makes her a pederast, not a lesbian. (Beat) Or can a woman be a pederast? JERRY How can you make jokes? TREVOR I’m just saying—you’re getting ahead of yourself. You know nothing about this hunky Greenwich person. JERRY So you think he really IS hunky? TREVOR The whole thing might be a joke. JERRY They’re making plans. TREVOR What plans? JERRY His last message said to come up to Connecticut to see him today at noon. And she agreed. TREVOR That was silly. They could just as easily meet after work one night in the city and no one would ever know. JERRY Whose side are you on?! TREVOR Who has an affair at noon on a Saturday? (Beat) Maybe it’s something innocent. Maybe she’s planning a surprise for you. Don’t you have a birthday coming up? JERRY And it’s not the first time. TREVOR Oh? JERRY She goes on line all the time—sometimes for hours on end. (Beat) I’ve caught her in the middle of the night. TREVOR Maybe she just has insomnia. JERRY She doesn’t have insomnia! And if she did, she could read a book. TREVOR Maybe she doesn’t like to read. JERRY I know my wife! (Beat) YOU don’t know my wife! TREVOR I’m just trying to help. JERRY And the mysterious appointments. The disappearances. TREVOR What do you mean? JERRY I don’t always know where she is—or where she’s been. TREVOR A person’s entitled to some privacy. JERRY You don’t understand! She was never like this before. TREVOR Like what? JERRY Secretive. (Beat) Distant. (Beat) Distracted. TREVOR All admirable qualities. I aspire to them myself. JERRY Stop it! TREVOR It’s all right, Jerry. JERRY How can you say it’s all right?! TREVOR Isn’t that what people are supposed to say? JERRY Are you listening to me?! TREVOR I’m in the same room. JERRY Trevor! Jesus! What’s the matter with you? TREVOR I’m fine. JERRY Has your perfect little life made you indifferent to the problems of us lesser mortals? TREVOR Who says my life’s perfect? JERRY You have a perfect wife—“spectacular,” to use your word. While mine’s a cyberspace slut. (Beat) And a brilliant daughter at an Ivy League school, while my twins are struggling their way through some nameless college out in the Midwest. I’ll be lucky if they get jobs at McDonald’s. TREVOR No one’s life is perfect. JERRY Trevor! My life is leaving me—I mean my wife. TREVOR I like it better the first way. JERRY Trevor! (Beat) I’m 50 years old! I can’t start out all over again! I’m ruined! VOICEOVER Wie geht es? Danke sehr gut. [Translation: How are you? Fine, thanks.] BLACKOUT [End of excerpt] Click here for more information. To return to the Excerpts Home Page, click here. To return to the Main Home Page, click here
	William Fowkes, Playwright & Author


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